Story of a girl

2006-12-24T23:26:00.000-07:00

2006-08-05T05:22:00.000-06:00

It gets strenuous to be that social butterfly after a while, sure I love the attention, yet there is only so much you can smile before your facial muscles start aching, so much small talk you can make before you consciously feel your brain cells dying and so much you indulge your crazy side before you feel off-balance and crave some time on your own. It's obvious I need a little quiet time for introspection. But I guess I have been turning down too many invitations, and I wouldn't want to end up a recluse would I? Oh well, I might drag myself out on Wednesday if I find the will power to.

All I feel like doing is staying and catching up with sleep. Maybe I've finally turned into one of those lovely, conservative, good Ceylonese girls my mother dearest is constantly raving about. Yeah right, whom am I trying to kid. I guess it's just my body’s way of telling that I need to give it a break. I spent the whole of yesterday and today in hibernation, only emerging from my room once of twice a day, alternating between reading and sleep.

Maybe I really am I nerd deep down and all I want to do is bury myself in books. Not academic textbooks, I'm not that far gone, but rather murder mysteries, chick lit (I love it don't diss it) and whatever-else tickles my fancy. I really have strange interests cause I found myself reading this non-fiction book about extra-terrestrials and I lost track of time, reading till the wee hours of morning and then freaking myself out by staring out of my window, but then again I've never been entirely normal.

Indulging my anti-social tendencies has never felt this great. Spending hours on the phone with Sanki, Neets, Justice and Nat. It's crazy really - crazy that feel so content lounging on my bed, devouring novel after novel. I feel like a chick flick, might drag my arse down to the video rental store later. Ugh. I feel like such a pig.

It's just a phase. Really.

2006-07-30T08:30:00.000-06:00

Three. Two. One. Ahlians in saris <3

And I really am a faliure dancer. Heh. Shizzazz.

Bollywood Babe-ettes. <3

As you can see I can never get married. Because my mother insists that I have an Indian ceremony and seeing how pathetically I wear a sari, I am never going to survive one. That sari thing fell of a gazillion times… ahh whatever. Justice called so I’m off to talk him. Byeee!

2006-07-28T23:48:00.000-06:00

It’s such a languid, lethargic Saturday and I really can't be motivated to pretty up and go party so I guess you've got to put up with my rubbish. I finally finished reading Handmaid's tale and its' not half bad (though why I finish the book after the test eludes me).

O (ffred) ppressed.

Take a walk
Through a lonely mind
Sift through darkness
See what you find

Echoed promises
As we clench at dirt
A whisper of wishes
Lost for words

Mumble. Mumble.
As the repressed speak
Fuck the system
Freedom we’ll seek

Drive a dagger
Through a heartless cavity
Blood stained hands
For all to see

Hidden amongst the seams
Of reality in dystopia
The burden of future
Future generations we'll bear

A prayer for an awakening
For this nightmare to end
Flashbacks but an escape
Out souls we'll duly fend

Temptation to give in
Buy into their lies
Forget about the past
Oh how time flies by

Rush of adrenaline
Escape so near
Blaring sirens
The route to freedom so clear

Enveloped in darkness
Pitter patter of running feet
Strain for a whisper goodbye
Drowned out by pounding heartbeat

Then all is black.

Take a walk
Through a lonely mind
Sift through darkness
See what you find

A vicious cycle
Time knows no bound
Chauvinism reigns
It’s all around.

fin

***

And when it gets hard to breathe.

2006-07-14T21:21:00.000-06:00

Liar

It rattles about at the very depths of your conscience; co-present in your mind, while you go about the random mundane things that life forces you into. Oh black fear. Scream a whisper, a plea for release from clenched warps yet it falls on deaf ears. And they point at you and chant.

"Liar. Liar. Liar." Hot tears of unfounded shame; for you now you are undeserving spill forth. Clinging to your eyelashes and slipping down your cheeks, blazing a trail of guilt down your heated skin.

"Liar. Liar. Liar." The words echo in your empty cavity, resounding on the walls of your mind, carving themselves into your being.

"Liar." Etched in your mind.

***

Would i ever lie to you?

2006-07-12T06:29:00.000-06:00

I'm entirely amused. Yesterday I was talking to Ash and writing Rohi (my little sis) points for her essay on smoking. Oh the irony. So she asked me to write down the points on how people quit. So I wrote "cold turkey" assuming she knew what I meant cause I was distracted. Then my ingenious sister writes in her narrative, about how some girl got addicted to smoking in one day and then went to the supermarket and bought cold turkey and cooked it and ate so she became un-addicted. HAHAHA.
Sorry baby sis I love you but that’s just helluva funny.
Also one question. When you cook cold turkey, doesn't it become hot?
HEEHEEHEE
Yes I am in one of my rare happy moods.

2006-07-05T05:57:00.000-06:00

Lily, my Irish pop tart. Hope you get better hon.

2006-07-05T05:00:00.000-06:00

Unwritten

Oh baby.

Your tenderfoot soul, my gossamer dream. Shredded in the engines of my ambition. In love's bitter mystery.

And then you're lost. A bygone memory, faded by the wash of time.

Now as I wander through shelter-less days, I'm still not entirely sure of what exactly went wrong. The idea of us seems so impractical now. Did you really happen to me, or was it yet another convoluted trick my restless mind sprung on me to while away hours on end.

And I know how I make you over discuss everything - struggling to fix us with desperate fluffs and pats a restless sleeper gives his pillow, flipping it over for the brief soothing cool side - before it goes flat and tepid again. Desperation tinged words. Just to hear your voice, to repeat those words I crave.

The phrase "Suicide / Success" floods my skull in celestial chorus, the latest addition from my inner voice, and the one who's pith I still admire.

Suicide / Success

Okay. Deep breath honey. Things could always be worse right? Think cortical aneurysm or even Prison gang sodomy. Although right now the entire concept of gratitude feels largely academic and under appreciated.

Well anyways before i go on in this saracasm tinged spiel I'm off to get some sleep, so hopelfully I can wrench myself out of this terribly black mood that I've somehow got myself into.

***

Chill.

2006-07-05T04:35:00.000-06:00

Reflection.

As you can see I haven't exactly turned out the way I hoped. Or the way anybody else did for the matter. That's an understatement, really. And I'll be the first to admit it. I've managed to get out of telling you a lot of the basic stuff, the important things, by huddling inside all of my pretty, hollow Easter egg words.

I guess I've learnt to live in them. But reality the dogged door-to-door sales man has come knocking again and he's not going away anytime soon. So I know I am escaping myself when I keep referencing my life against the big screen. My life, the soap opera. I felt cozy in this little world I made for myself, in my mind.

Yet I hunger for the hues the rain has washed from that little world. I'd slip into cinema’s velvet shelter communing to the blue confusion of Jonathon Rhys Meyer’s eyes (what can I say, he is a hunk). There I could dream in the silken fog of never-never in my lonely only childhood suspended and fed by umbilical images.

But I don't dream in color anymore.

***

Who is that girl i see?

2006-07-03T07:27:00.000-06:00

Sleepy eyes

Sleep drags on eyelids
Continue to grasp at straws
Innocence will be rid
Yet we believe in folklores

Promise of a fairy tale
Warped in hopeless eyes
For every hope to fail
Give into the wicked web of lies

Believe in a better time
A time that fails to exist
Woven into the seams of lines
Faith clenched in a fist

Darting glances with sleepy eyes
White knuckled fists
Watch passively as time flies by
Oh so tempting wrists

A calling to the end
The end of it all
No hurdles left to fend
To never again fall

And you lose the courage to dream
Come apart at the seams

Monsters of the dark
Internal monsters do bleed
Cynicism has left her mark
They’re words we’ll never heed

Sleep rid cavity at your wake
Starry eyes ever so dim
All for the future’s sake
A chance ever so slim

Running on pure adrenaline
Escape from this mediocrity
A drive to excel; a drive to win
Aspiration lost at sea

Darting glances with sleepy eyes
White knuckled fists
Watch passively as time flies by
Oh so tempting wrists

A calling to then end
The end of it all
No hurdles left to fend
To never again fall

And you lose the courage to dream
Come apart at the seams

***

Kiss of death

2006-06-30T04:33:00.000-06:00

My English essay marks have put me in a terribly foul mood, resulting in my usual, slit-my-wrists and hope-I-die garb. So if you have complaints, stuff it and go away, I'm not in the mood to be accommodating and I'm too damn tired to pretend I actually give a damn. Also the accumulated lack of sleep thanks to certain people who insist I stay on the phone and the breakout the hype and stress that the math test brought about is not helping this black mood of mine to the least. Yes, I'll bite your head off if you mess with me today. Well seeing that my eyelids are drooping, I think I'll head off to bed.

***

Sometimes I wonder keeps me going.

2006-06-27T07:42:00.000-06:00

And the words that pass our lips without our giving them a second thought, those very words which groveling could never take back, oh careless words that we yell. They pierce through skin, and provide the sickest sensations at the bottom of our stomachs. Cause' we've caused hurt, yet apologies don't come easy, as we go off to lick our wounds, wondering if you mattered as much.

Isn't it strange the way we shout those words we don't mean and whisper those that we do?

Sorry

2006-06-27T03:43:00.000-06:00

I don't just want to be yet another statistic, but in death, it's exactly what I'll leave the world as. I'm sick of all this mediocrity I have subjected myself to. Haven't you ever wanted to make a difference? I'm not going to pretend that I hope to leave the world a better place or some other self sacrificial crap I could easily come up with and pass off as truth. It's a simple selfish desire to be remembered. I don't want to be some no body who doesn't leave her mark in history. I don't want to be just another face in the masses. I don't want to leave and not be missed, not just by my family, but the world itself. Isn't it extremely weird to crave fame in this completely obsessive manner? Well whatever.

My days as a social pariah are long gone, and I've become a shadow of that person really, so much so no one could ever draw a similarity between who I am now and who I used to be. I guess the point was I simply stopped caring about what other’s thought. And then the gossipmongers go into overdrive about my, oh so scandalous social life.

Let them write their wicked web of lies, I couldn't care less really. In fact it's sort of flattering to know how entertaining my so-called exploits (half of which so obscure I speculate as to how they come about) are to them. Yes I am slightly warped. Maybe I might just make it as the socialite. A wonderful ambition innit?

***

I may just be Singapore’s version of Paris Hilton.

2006-06-27T02:49:00.000-06:00

Unfound

And I crave your saccharine sweet lips. Enchanting melody overwhelming, snaring the senses as I gaze ahead, mesmerized by the delightful way the air around us seems to shimmer as though with a touch of magic in itself. Trace patterns on my lips as the world fades into the background. A tune no one else would ever hear, a song for which only I know the words. A song of lust woven into the seams of love; a song of lies we speak as truth.

Sweet kiss of death
Incur time’s wrath

Nerves aflame, your touch is addiction; morphine in true form. Whisper empty promises as we lie in each other’s arms, a tangle of limbs. Words I could never mean, promises shattered ahead of being uttered. A hush, lost in an abyss of confusion, a flush of regret and all is gone.

A tinge of regret as we run
The consequence of reckless fun

The more we wonder, the less anything makes sense. Swept on a wave of emotion. Indifferent, taunting even in superficiality, the stony facade breaks before our eyes. All those lies, all the pretence, crumbling in our wake, leaving a wavering balance for us to tread. Take a tentative step forward, stumbling on newfound territory, eyes adjusting to the bright lights.

And we give way for
Our souls to take flight
Stop worrying about the journey
Just enjoy the ride.

***

Played.

2006-06-25T08:15:00.000-06:00

DAMN SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW.
bleargh.

2006-06-22T06:39:00.000-06:00

Flee

And we stare out into the velvety darkness, wrapped in our own thoughts, miles away yet so acutely away of each other's closeness and we continue with our air of nonchalance. Pretending the tension didn't exist between the two of us; the tension that made the air cackle with electricity. Yet we shall pretend and not acknowledge this electricity, the very electricity that makes the hair at the back of our necks stand and sends chills up our spines.

And my eyes dart sideways, assessing your every move. Your arm brushes against my own and my skin drinks in your warmth as I stare ahead pretending not to notice. The effect you have on me is dizzying.

"Shut up heart."

A blush creeps up my neck, staining my cheeks the telltale red and I twist away, hoping, praying you don’t notice. The stars grin down at us, as though sharing a private joke and suddenly I am consumed with the most irrational sense of irritation that the stars were so free, so unconsumed by simple human emotions, untouched by all this confusion.

Shaking my head free of these thoughts, I turn away from you. You make to stop me, yet the glint in my usually lackadaisical eyes seemed to stop you.

"Don't go." You whisper. I pretend not to hear. Blinking away burning tears I walk away; from the one thing that would have made me happier. Slow steps speed up before I break into a run, trying to hide the tears now freely streaming down my cheeks. My hair whips against my cheeks as I finally reach the door. I glance back. One last look, committing your face to memory.

Those eyes which would forevermore haunt me. Your slumped form as you watched me leave helplessly. The way your lips were parted to say words I would never hear. And then I slammed it behind me.

Sometimes, it's just easier to run away.

***

Let's flee

2006-06-19T07:48:00.000-06:00

Death

The wind picked up stray tendrils of hair and playfully tossed them about. Even with the strong sea-breeze whipping hair against her face, she sat unfazed on that rock, smooth from years of battling the sea, as sobs wracked her entire body. Knees drawn to her chest, she buried her face in her hands as tears, the very tears she had fought to keep in rolled down her cheeks making the wind sting even more so.

The moon shone down, bathing her in its soft glow - a picture of tragic ethereal beauty. Its light almost a caress, provided her no comfort as she shivered, wrapping her arms around herself in a bid to keep herself warm. She shut her eyes, willing herself to forget. Rather, the memories embedded in the back of her mind rushed forward, overwhelming her with times long gone, times when their laughter had rang together, times where their petty fights led to the strengthening of bonds and the most painful of all, shaking her head, she cut that thought short.

The constant sounds of waves crashing against the land, a never-ending battle, much like the one that raged within her very soul. She blinked away the last of her tears, they didn’t help the dull the pain, and instead it was pushing her closer to the edge. She stared into the velvety darkness surrounding her, as she pushed herself off the rock and began walking slowly towards the crashing waves. Night had claimed the skies.

And tears splashed at her feet as she broke into a run. She ran, her feet slipping on the sand, and finally she came to a stop at the water’s edge. Panting, facing the vast oceans, she shut her eyes, finding the smallest of comfort in the rhythmic sound of the waves crashing at her feet.

Bright stars twinkled ahead, miracles in their own right in the inky black sky. And she took her first step, letting her feet sink into the murky depths of the water before her, shuddering from the shock of the cold. As she waded in, the currents dragged her further, pulling at her clothes, making them cling to her. Step after step she waded deeper into the water when finally her feet could no longer reach the ground.

Water rushed into her lungs, stifling her, she could no longer take a breath. Her hair fanned around her as she struggled to resurface, regret engulfing her, overwhelmed only by her desire to live, a desire that came about too late. The darkness wrapped its tempestuous tendrils around her, squeezing the life out of her, choking as she wept tears of regret.

***

Maybe death really is freedom.

2006-06-18T07:57:00.000-06:00

Regret

Cast iron grip
Un-relinquished hold
A future kept secret
A future untold

A heart so weary
A mind does weep
Through clenched eyelids
Tears do seep

Un-daunting edge
In passionless fury
As we wonder why?

What’s the hurry?

Heart sprung forth
Words too shallow
Minds-a-wash
Souls too hollow

Choked sobs lost
To the silence of night
The diminishing of
Passion so bright

Hopeless eyes as you
Lose all your light
A choice to give up
Not fight the good fight

The edge of reason
Crossroads ahead
To go where we go
Or end up in bed

Peals of mocking laughter
A shadow of a smirk
Makes me wonder
Why I thought we'd work

The soprano of
Warming hope
Life so fragile
Strung on rope

Sing a song
Of a fantasy
Empty wishes
Of what would never be

***

And I still smile.

2006-06-16T21:48:00.000-06:00

Memoirs.

Lyrics from "Here without you Baby" - Three doors down.

I'm here without you baby

And it's the twinkle in your eyes when you smile, the slight crease as your eyes tilt upwards when you laugh, the way your lips curve ever so slightly to the right when you smirk that still get me.

But you're still on my lonely mind

Those comfortable silences. Those conversations about nothing at all, which go on forever. The way my heart flutters whenever I see you. The way you say my name with that slight lilt.

I think about you baby

Your insistence on saying "Ich liebe dich," instead of "I love you." The way you wrap your arms around me. Those winter nights gazing at the stars. Those candlelit dinners gazing into your eyes.

And I dream about you all the time

They were hazel, with flecks of gold when the light hits them at the right angle. Those speculations of a future together. The way you would assure me that it would never end, that this feeling would never fade.

I'm here without you baby

The first cut is the deepest. And as blood seeps out of a fresh wound let the memories flow away; away into oblivion – so someday I may be rid of you. So someday Calvin and Klein cologne won’t trigger some flashback or another.

But you're still with me in my dreams

Oh but your kisses burn so. Intangible, wisps of smoky tendrils at the very tips of my fingers and I dare not move in the fear that you’d disappear, and take away all that we had. Every memory, every feeling.

And tonight it’s only you and me

Something in me died, the day we became you and me.

***

Maybe someday.

2006-06-15T00:24:00.000-06:00

Holiday:

First day:

The dreary weather was putting a damper on my spirits, especially since I wasn't really looking forward to the trip seeing that it was my mum and grandma, not some fun kick ass road trip with friends. So we made our way to the airport, picking grandma up on the way. The plane trip was fine I guess. I saw this totally cute Prince William look-alike when we were checking in and god answered my silent prayer, he was in my flight after all. We chatted for a bit. Yeah before my mum made an appearance and killed him with her death glare. Plane food rocks. I seriously think I'm the only person who loves plane food this much.

So anyways, we reached Bali and met Raja there. Then his friends picked us up in this ramshackle van, which was so cute. We went to the missionary school where I would be staying and I nearly cried when I saw the conditions. My mum thought it would be a learning experience. It definitely was, but that's for later. So after a miniature temper tantrum on my part, I finally agreed to stay there, not like they left me with much choice. We met everyone and there was this adorable two-year old, Puttu. He was so cute. Gosh. Then we drove to drop mum and grandma at their hotel. Unfair huh? Ohwells I had a good time so I'm not complaining. Then we went back to the school and I got a lecture from my uncle for being spoilt because I was near tears when I saw the toilet.

Seriously, I'm deathly afraid of lizards and flies. There wasn't a toilet bowl and… get this. NO HOT SHOWER. It was this scoop bucket thingy. I may seem like I'm whining but I'm not really, I learnt to get used to it. It isn't half bad. So anyways I had a really fitful sleep cause there wasn't a fan and I felt so goddamned warm. And I have to admit I felt a little weepy. I kept dwelling on the unfair fact that my mum and grandma got to go to this beautiful hotel and all I had was cracked walls and mosquitoes. But in the end I finally did fall asleep.

Second day:

Raja woke me up rapping really noisily on the door at like seven in the morning. Who wakes up that early, we're on holiday for god-sakes. So me being the coward that I am refused to shower and doused myself in deodorant before going off to meet my mum and grandma. So we all clamored onto the van and I realized that it didn't have air-conditioning. So the windows had to be left open. The wind kept whipping my hair and I felt liberated for some reason. It wasn't the hoity-toity convertible that I envisioned would be our ride, but it was fun in a different way.

We went to this monkey temple thingy and thank god I wore jeans cause anyone who was wearing something short (and you do realize all my skirts are short) had to tie this purple sarong thing around themselves and everyone knows, purple is so not my color. Haha. So we walked around and saw the beautiful cliffs. They were breath taking and we took gazillion pictures there.

So anyways as we were innocently looking at the waves crashing against the cliff, mesmerized by the white spray that shot up, this monkey stealthily jumped in front of grandma and pulled her glasses off! It looked at us with this smirk. I swear it winked and it proceeded to chew the glasses. We were begging it to give the glasses back, but it just bared its teeth at us.

So we had to call the temple attendant who threw him a banana. Damn that was one smart monkey. He put down the glasses, caught the banana, picked up the glasses and ran away, all in a split second. So the temple attendant threw him another banana and this time we got the glasses in time. The monkey sort of looked at us strange then ambled away. I was in stitches the entire time. Gosh I haven't laughed that hard in ages. So anyways that wasn't the end of it. We walked up many stairs and got to the entrance of the temple and were posing for a picture under this tree when this baby monkey climbed up it and jumped so it landed on my grandma's shoulder. Then it grabbed her hair scrunchie thingy and ran off. We were in shock, before we all collapsed into peals of laughter. Heehee. It was such a funny sight. So the monkey sat on one of the branches, trying to eat the scrunchie. We decided it would be gross to get it back anyways so we just left it to the scrunchie and went off. Ever since then, my grandma freaked out every time we saw a monkey. And I could't stop laughing for like the next 20 minutes.

The next place we went to was so fucking cool. Dreamland - It is owned by Suharto, the past president, so we had to bribe the security guards to let us into that half completed golf course. We drove all the way to the back and there was this winding stairs, which led to this beautiful sandy beach. The stairs were a dangerous climb though cause they were just cut into the cliff and it was a sheer drop below us.

I was on edge the entire time, so when we finally got to the bottom, I hitched up my jeans and ran unto the beach and then the hugest wave hits me. My jeans were soaked. So while the rest stand at the shack and laughed at me I dredged up to them and then we cam-whored with the beach as a background. There's one funny picture with me pretending to be the monkey who stole Raja's glasses. It was a major laugh. After that we climbed back up those stairs and I realized just how unfit I am cause I was so tired.

Well we piled back onto the van and went to get lunch. Which was so yummy. Gosh I love seafood. And when we calculated how much we spent, it was within $20 for a meal for five people with gods knows how many side dishes and drinks. Funny stuff eh? After lunch we went off to Kuta. Which is now my favorite place in the world. Mum got a manicure done and grandma a massage while I wandered around the beach. While I was wandering around the beach, this north Indian girl from Java came up to me and asked if she could take a picture. I was like sure and then after a while I was surrounded by the entire family. It was quite a laugh. Cause I know really little Hindi and they knew really little English. We took pictures and then Raja appeared and we chatted for a bit before

I took off to go be emo and sit alone at the beach. I was sitting on the sand just gazing at the waves when this gorgeous surfer plops down beside me. He was…for the lack of a better word, completely drool worthy. Eight pack, Blonde spiky hair, bright blue eyes, sexy surfer tan and shirtless. Melt-melt-melt. So we started talking and he asked me if I wanted to go grab a drink, and my mother for the lack of better timing appears and he's at the receiving end of one of her ever so famous death glares. Well at least I'm flattered cause he thinks I look like some Bollywood starlet. Oh wells.

So anyways my mum dragged me away to shop, which in my opinion wasn't that bad a trade off, seeing that I bought a pair of Chanel sunnies, which are so fucking hot! So while I was trying them on, these two surfers came up to talk to me and surprisingly, one of them was from Singapore. So we chatted for a bit. The Indonesian surfer was hot as hell. I’m a sucker for wavy sun bleached hair. Then mother dearest sees me and comes and drags me to safety, while Raja just makes fun of me.

Haha yeah well. Then we walked around and bought more stuff. I finally have a new pair of designer jeans. Versace and they’re so cute! So after that Raja and I wandered into hard rock's store and he bought me this gorgeous hard rock top. We had to leave for the next place cause my mum was getting bored of shopping. Yes I didn't know it could happen, but it did. We drove down to this other temple, the one by the sea. Yeah my grandma and mum have a thing for temples.

Over there I just sat on this huge rock and this woman from china came up to me and asked if she could take a picture. I was wondering why people kept wanting to take my picture, maybe cause they think I'm pretty. It does wonders for the ego really. Well that temple was kind of boring cause all I did was sit on my rock and shop (Haha). After that we took more pictures and headed back to the school. I finally braved a shower, after making raja kill all those flies of course. I'm so proud of myself.

And then I met Leili, Raja's girlfriend and my future aunt in law. She's so sweet! All of us went for dinner and then some of us went to play on the bumper cars. Gods I was terrible at it and I think Leili who was riding with me got kind of dizzy after a while cause we were spinning backwards. But the second time I got a hang of it and went around banging into people.

That was good fun I’ll tell you. After that we went to the super market and bought loads of Balinese coffee and stocked up on bubble gum. Went back to the school and then I learnt to play my first song on the guitar. "Wherever you will go – the calling" Maybe I should pick up the guitar more often cause it isn't as tough as I thought it would be. Well I played for quite a bit then read myself to sleep.

Third Day:

Got woken up real early and dragged to the market with grandma and mum cause they wanted to buy groceries for the school. I hate wet markets. They smell bad, and I reallyreallyreally feel grossed out by all that raw meat. So well I stayed outside while they went around buying stuff. Got countless people staring at me cause I was seemingly overdressed. Yeah well we were going out after that, it wasn't my fault. Then we went back and after that drove down to Tulikup to see Leili's radio station.

She's a deejay. Heart line F.M. How cool is that? So we wandered around that place and got to know her colleagues. One of them asked for my email. It was helluva funny, the way he hit on me. And we took loads and loads and loads of pictures there. After that we went to Leili's rented place and hung out there while Chandra changed the tire for the van. We watched the beginning of the Korean movie that Raja had bought Leili - Marrying the Mafia. It was so damn funny. I have to borrow it and watch it myself.

So after that we drove down to this restaurant and ate lunch there. The food was so yummy. Gosh. Then dropped Leili off at the radio station and drove to this other beach. Walked along the beach for a while and then waited for mum and grandma to get their shopping done. Gods everyone kept dragging us into their stores, and I felt too terrible to ignore them. Pulled at my heartstrings they did. So anyways after my insistence, we went back to Kuta (Yay!)

The beach really is lovely, and it really has nothing to do with the fact that its hot guys galore there. My uncle called my bluff and we went to the more deserted part of Kuta, not the hard rock café part. Ohwells. Then we went shopping again and bought stuff for friends. All those pretty things are so expensive. Sigh. And it wasn't two hundred Singaporean dollars my mum was giving me to spend on my friends, it was 200 000 rupees. So I bought like five necklaces. And I feel terrible cause I couldn't get everyone something. Too bad, only my closest girlies get something.

And I didn't get anything for the guys cause I couldn't find anything nice. Bought my dad a cute Batik shirt and some earrings for my cousins but that's about it. Then as were walking along, I saw the most gorgeous bag ever at this Chanel store. It was calling my name, pleading with me to buy it. It was so beautiful and cute and everything a bag could ever be. Gods. I begged my mum to get it for me, you know the whole pouty – puppy dog eyed thing that works on guys? Well it doesn't work on my mum. But in the end she got it. What can I say, I'm spoilt. Heehee.

Actually no not really, its only cause my mother liked it as much as I did. So then we headed back to the school and I braved yet another shower. What can I say? The need to be clean overpowered my stupid fear of insects. After that we headed to this restaurant which had dishes mainly focused on tofu. And since tofu makes me sick, I had chicken steak which was so goddamned yummy! Haha. Yeah I think I ate loads during the holiday. We bought chocolates for Puttu and then when we went back, I gave them to him and he was so happy. It warmed my heart.

I mean these people, they survive with the bare necessities and they’re way happier than I am. So then all of us played uno stacko and I learned the chorus bit for "Wherever you will go". Kept practicing the chords all night. Its my first time playing the guitar yeah so don't laugh. Managed to get it down in about an hour and then I read this really nice funny book before falling asleep.

Fourth day:

Well it was my last day, so mum and grandma bought breakfast of donuts and cakes to the school and everyone was digging in. I felt like I was leaving something behind cause I knew that once I returned to Singapore, I wouldn't ever just be happy with the simplicity of it all. There would always be someone to impress, something to do, and there would be no time for myself and to do what I wanted. Yeah well. That's life huh?

So anways, I wolfed down a donut and then we went to this art and craft market and my mum went crazy buying so many crafts. I hung around outside taking in everything then my uncle was telling me about how some of the crafts had spirits in them. Freaky huh? Good thing I have none in my room. So then we drove back to the school and I packed up everything. Had to sit on my bag to close it cause I bought so many things. So anyways after I packed, I basically hung out with everyone and played the guitar for a bit more.

Then Leili’s brother drove down and gave us the gifts she bought for us. She is so sweet you know. Gosh. Oh and have I mentioned? He is really cute. Like really. Too bad she's my uncle's girlfriend huh? Ohwells. Guess I'll see him at the wedding. Heehee. She got me this gorgeous bag and two necklaces. How sweet!

Then we piled back into the van for one last time and went to pick up mum and grandma from the hotel. So we checked into the airport and sat around for ages cause we were so early. Grabbed a burger at this restaurant and I saw this super cute guy. Gosh he was so cute in that, smart kind of way. And I knew he was a surfer cause he was carrying a surfboard. I kept seeing him around when we wandered around the airport. Oh and we bumped into like two of my mum's friends both from her time in NIE.

When we finally boarded the plane, I was sitting there minding my own business and then he walked into the plane. He smiled at me and whispered hi. Then my mother glares at him. Hahah. He was sitting two seats away, but I was so tired I didn't have the energy to go over and talk to him. Knocked out on the flight and then woke up just to eat, remember my strange love for plane food? Yeah I love love love it! After eating, read for a bit and then we were back in Singapore. Bought duty free alcohol for daddy dearest and then took a cab, dropped grandma off and got back home. Unpacked. Back to life as i know it i guess.

***

And you think you have it all
But they know better

2006-06-14T09:03:00.000-06:00

AND I'M BACK BABY!
Bali was B-E-A-U-TIFUL! lol (: *imagine the faux accent*
Well I'm gonna go sleep.
Will tell you all about the trip later yuppadoodles.
Take care cheerios.

2006-06-14T08:55:00.000-06:00

Drunken times, stolen smiles.

Sex muffins, Tramps in the make. Yeah well. We're hot. You're not.

And sexy boy Luc makes an appearance. I look so wasted though.

2006-06-07T01:09:00.000-06:00

Yes Camwhoring is helluva fun! All you need is a camera and loads of free time.

Don't you loveLOVElove my sexay tattoo?

One of the many services we offer. Lol

Unhealthy fixation over shades (:

Well that pretty much settles my future career. Toilet cleaner or porn star, tough choice innit?

Yes I tend to indulge my teenage angst every once in a while. Who am I kidding, I'm emo through and through.

I shot me down. Bang, bang.

Eat your hearts our sexys (:

Ghost of me.
Teenage angst - its just a phase, i swear. (i hope)

Self termination.

***

I refuse to think, I refuse to feel.

2006-06-07T00:33:00.000-06:00

Snapshots from the past I
What can i say? Photo editing is addictive.

Haven't you heard? Pink is so the next black.

Too cool for school. Really. Haha

From years back. Well the effects look it. Puva and me, from when i crashed prom.

The older sis I never had (: I love you baby. And crashing your prom was helluva fun!

Geri and me. OBS'05. Days of our lives we'll never forget.

Prom pop art. Or my attempt at it, at least.

Strike a pose. National Day Dancers 309'05

Drink. Drank. Drunk. New years day with my sexys
(from left: Me, Grace, Kav and Nat)

***

To be continued...

2006-06-06T23:57:00.000-06:00

Snapshots from the past II
More pictures from last year. Gods I love photographs (:

Angel, Addy, Me and Athena. Don't you just love the pretty saris?

All dressed up. Madama Butterfly with (from left: Valerie, Geraldine, Aileen, Me and Athena) Damn i want my hair back.

Seems I've proven to be mighty kissable. Muah xx

Huggles. Me and Jeanting

Framed times. Random Hawkercentre (bottomfrom left: Angel, Addy and Soonae) (Top from left: Athena and me)

Say CHEESE

Athena and me. My, aren't we patriotic?

Well we're cute and we know it.

Now we give you the Singaporean version of Charlie's Angels

***

And what I wouldn't give to relive those days

2006-06-05T11:16:00.000-06:00

You won't believe how spastic we can get sometimes. Today Cheryl and I were baking cookies (yes how girl guides-esque) and somehow or other the topic changed to what would happen if my oven blew up, like those cartoons and we concluded that we would end up with like blackened faces, singed eyebrows and Einstein hair, and even death seems preferable to that fate.

So well ironically, we were talking about that, and we very smartly popped in two trays of choc-chip cookies, one on each layer and then after a bit, we smelt something burning. We looked at the cookies but they seemed fine so we ignored it for a bit. Then smoke starts seeping out from the oven door. Oh gods I screamed so loud and we both like practically ran away from the oven screaming for my maid to help.

So she runs out of the room all flustered thinking someone or other died and then realizing what was happening, she inched open the oven door while Cheryl and I cowered in our respective corners. Smoke like completely billowed out and the entire house was totally hazy. So my maid switched off the oven (which both Cheryl and I hadn’t thought of doing) and ran around the house opening the window cause the entire place was so muggy and we could barely see through the smoke.

In the end we figured that we had placed a tray on the heating plate. Gods it was so dumb. The metal tray actually melted. Gosh. Well but other than that batch, the rest of the cookies turned out great. And dad kept snitching them! Which reminds me, I’ve got to go hide them from him before they disappear by tomorrow morning.

Well anyways, i'm sleepy! So g'night folks

2006-05-30T22:16:00.000-06:00

Fairytales

Life isn't fair. It's not some glamorous fairytale from some innocent storybook. Storybooks, which children are exposed to every single day, they are dangerous as hell. Why? Well probably because it shields them from the harsh reality that is life. Hence that clueless kid ends up completely naïve and believing in a dream, a dream that in true fact would never come to pass. Cinderella marries Prince Charming, who is a COMPLETE stranger to her (honestly, they only had one night together), but they supposedly ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Fierce Dragon kidnaps Princess what's-her-name, but Knight/Prince-in-shining-armor slays the so called dangerous dragon with a mere prick of his sword, and rescues the princess, who must always be divinely beautiful, with a kind heart and soul.

It wraps children in a huge web of lies, and when the finally realize that these fairy tales don't exist, well it hurts. Relationship with said prince charming doesn't last; dragon kills knight/prince with a breath of flame. Harsh, but true. Storybooks are a jaded adult's idea of a joke, to build up a child's hopes only to have them coming crashing down as soon as they take a step into the real world, where dreams are stepped on, where hopes are crushed.

My life is not close to being a fairytale. Believe me. As much as it resembles one of those soap operas, and as days-of-our-lives-esque it gets, it's no fairytale. It's a sad sordid tale of someone caught between who she is and who she wants to be. Before I go off on that tangent, let's back-track. What is it that makes us want so much to believe in these fairytales? Time after time, being burnt by the flame, I still cling stubbornly to my ideals and the false hope that one day; maybe just maybe I might find my knight-in-a-shining-Versace-suit. I guess its stupid and I should shake myself and tell myself to come to terms with reality but it's one of the only things that keep me going.

Maybe a fairytale is but a wish, a dream for a better day. I guess I'll hold onto mine and hopefully it may come to pass.

***

Shuttup inner hopeless romantic

2006-05-29T20:29:00.000-06:00

These cryptic posts with meaning entwined in beautiful lines; meaning you will never understand. It's all about hopeless eyes and crooked smiles. This plethora of emotions has completely overwhelmed me and left me affected in more ways than I care to admit. You shut your eyes so they don't burn with unshed tears, and yet a tear escapes tightly clenched eyelids, tracing a path down your cheek. Catch that tear drop, for it is all you can afford, a moment of truth before you're encapsulated in your mask again. Good bye you.

I realize what an escapist I am and it's not healthy to the least. Avoidance won't help, but if I make believe maybe it will? Lead me to insanity with a smile on my face. Think happy thoughts. The deadly glint of metal reflected in your eyes, eyes which lose their fire as you lose your nerve; toss it away - the clink of cold metal against tile a marked end of the ordeal, there is no escaping the mask.

Hot pumping blood, throbbing veins, warmth gushing from open wounds as the pain seeps away. Escapist? Stupid? Fucked up? Yes to all of the above. Kiss away my tears and hold me while I cry, but you won't, would you? Whisper that it would all be alright. Make believe. Let's pretend.

Lose control. Relinquish your hold. Stifled breath, break free.

Gods I am making absolutely no sense at all. Must be one of those abstract moods I get into when I think too much. Which I plead guilty for by the way, if there is such a thing as thinking too much, that is. Is there? I wonder. Has anyone ever thought themselves to death? Whatever I am spouting nonsense again. I think I wonder too much. And its all your fault. But i guess its a good thing? Well i wouldn't know. I wouldn't have it any other way

Well I’m off.

***

You're exactly where you're supposed to be

2006-05-29T19:59:00.000-06:00

My blogger's fucked up. ):

2006-05-22T02:19:00.000-06:00

I wish i could tell you...

2006-05-22T01:56:00.000-06:00

Devil's Orders

His eyes mesmerize
Luring depths
Glint in dark skylight
Limpid pools of lust

Throw your head back
With wanton abandon
Heart over head
Wrapped in tendrils of temptation

Lie in his arms
The devil's eyes burn so
My skin aflame
Shy away from holy light

Butterfly kisses
Lingering touch
Enveloped in darkness
To want too much

Bobbing heads
Controlled by string
He's my ventriloquist
He's my ventriloquist

A kiss so tender
A kiss so sweet
A kiss lost
To your frozen lips

A heart too cold
You'll never love
The devil's passion
Consumed in flames

fin

No I am not turning satanic. Flirting with the forbidden; courting death - its a rush. Am I sadomasochistic? Don't answer that.

***

I wanna kiss you every minute, every hour, every day.

2006-05-21T02:09:00.000-06:00

"Fuck Her Gently"

This is a song for the ladies

But fellas listen closely

You don't always have

to fuck her hard

In fact sometimes

that's not right to do

Sometimes you've got

to make some love

And fuckin give her

some smoochies too

Sometimes

ya got to squeeze

Sometimes

you've got to say please

Sometime

you've got to say hey

I'm gonna Fuck you softly

I'm gonna screw you gently

I'm gonna hump you sweetly

I'm gonna ball you discreetly

And then you say hey

I bought you flowers

And then you say

wait a minute sally

I think I got

somethin in my teeth

Could you get it out for me

That's fuckin teamwork

What's your favorite posish?

That's cool with me

Its not my favorite

But I'll do it for you

what's your favorite dish?

I'm not gonna cook it

But i'll order it from Zanzibar

And then I'm gonna

love you completely

And then I'll fuckin

fuck you discreetly

and then I'll fucking

bone you completely

But then I'm gonna

fuck you hard

Hard

***

I needed that laugh

2006-05-19T05:30:00.000-06:00

Lost

I think I'm at a crossroads and it's showing up in my writing, especially the poetry.

These questions unanswered, answers unquestioned, it's killing me. How is it possible to live life by the rulebook, when half the rules are unwritten? Am I simply supposed to know these things? Am I the only one out there completely and utterly lost, with no direction and a forgotten destination? The map isn't lost, its been torn to bits, burnt and the ashes thrown into the Dead Sea.

Life's just a web of lies, lies we depend on; lies we cling to for the sakes of our sanity - who knew our reality could be tipped so easily. And we turn back, to follow the footsteps of our past, but they're gone. We're stranded really, in the middle of nowhere, with a hazy future, a forgotten past. Yet we cling to hope, a hope for a better day, an un-guaranteed future, and forget the sands of time, which cut our soles so bad, we walk. Step after step. Day in, day out.

Maybe one day it'll be too much, maybe we'll take our last step and collapse - yet we'll live, live for our last breath.

***

Do you stay up wondering?

2006-05-15T06:00:00.000-06:00

Angel's Song

Angel's caress
Soft winter wings
Broken silence of night
As the courageous sing

Strain for release
Sweet temptation abound
Chained to reality
Emitting no sound

A brush of warmth
A touch oh so light
Re-awoken passion
Give up - take flight

My guardian angel
From high above
Sent to disperse
The darkness of love

Yes, yes since Angel insists, its dedicated to her.

2006-05-15T02:45:00.000-06:00

Everything

song by Lifehouse

Pay my words no heed. They make no sense, not even to me. I can feel that tiny pinprick of a crack, it's spreading; the fine lines reaching outwards and soon I'll fall apart from within. Collapsing inwards, retreating into myself and will you be there to pick up the pieces, to draw me out?

You're all I want

It's completely messed up, yet it seems so right. The way your eyes twinkle when you smile. Reality burns, so let us escape - escape into a time and space unknown. Grasp my hand, as we walk the world. Raw emotions, words an extravagance, for I know and you know.

You're all I need

Muffled screams in the middle of the night, a heart wrenching longing unrealized. Recollections of breezy moonlit nights, and tears on chapped lips. Drowning in depth unrealized. Do you know how it is to be pulled under the black water? Your waves fan out, an ethereal beauty lasting for a few moments and your panicked eyes flutter shut as you finally surrender to the murky depths.

You're everything

Swallowed by reality, and then peace. When it all ends. Acceptance. A lackadaisical sense of calm engulfs, as we pretend. Isn't life all about pretence after all? Pretend its all fine. When everything is lost, all we have is the ability to act - To lie to the world and ourselves, yes one day it will be fine.

Everything

***

What do you call this?

2006-05-15T02:11:00.000-06:00

You are such a fucking chav. Seriously. He has nothing, he's ugly as fuck, he's dumbness leads me to exasperation and he has no talent whatsoever but you still think girls should be seen and not heard? Haven't we shown you otherwise? Haven't I gotten into RGS? Hasn't she been excelling in the sports arena? I hate him. And I hate you.

He's a worthless waste of space, that's what I think. There I’ve said it. And you still say "Sharmini, Rohini go help in the kitchen." Its not like we don't have a maid. What is wrong with you? If you don't need to wash the plate neither do we, that's what I call equality.

And why do we have to be the ones who help with chores? I have fuck loads of homework to get done. He doesn't. She has her training to cope with. He doesn't, unless you count his lame excuse of a sport CCA, Cricket. God damn it, nothing against the sport but he's killing it if you know what I mean.

Fuck I know you wish we weren't. You'd rather we were pretty girls who shut up and nod, with no opinions on anything at all and who are but the perfect daughters who are seen and not heard. Whatever. That isn't going to happen, not with me around. And you're so afraid Rohi will turn out like me. Well that's too bad, I'm going to teach her how to walk, talk, sit, stand, BE me. Just to piss you off.

Your worst nightmare. Deal with it. It'd do her some good too. She's exactly like I was when I was her age, so she'll get here in no time; she just needs a shove in the right direction. I could help my brother, but nah. I'll pass. It’s not for nothing that everyone in my social circle who's met him thinks he's a total loser. There are such things as no-hope cases.

Fuck I sound bitchy. I'm going to stop ranting now. Haha more because I'm on the phone than anything else though, I have so much to say on this, but I guess that's for another time.

***

Let's run away - yes you and I

2006-05-14T03:27:00.000-06:00

What am I supposed to do? Christ, I'm like a stupid kid, pretending to be grown up. All I know is that you made me feel real for the first time in my life. You made me break down barriers I put up. You made me feel, at such a raw level, incompressible, constant confusion; forever searching within myself and clarity is a distant thought. There is certain realness to you that I can't touch. Engulfed in my superficiality, reality burns, singeing pure untainted skin.
Why'd you have to go?
I couldn’t care to continue in this depressing rant.
Do i even matter?
So fuck off.
I guess i should forget it.
Bye.

2006-05-12T22:54:00.000-06:00

Randomness

Lackadaisical. Don't you love the way that word rolls off your tongue? Well distraction is a coping mechanism. I should stop over-thinking this situation. Maybe I should listen to what everyone around me says. But my heart screams something else. Fuck I am so screwed up.

I may seem like I'm rambling but indulge me here. I really do know what I'm talking about. It's just that words do these feelings no justice. Haha its weird using the word justice now cause I actually know a Justice. The randomness at the moment, few know the reason for it. Well forget it, I don't care to explain. No really.

Maybe. Maybe not? I think? So many incomplete questions and answers that lead to more questions.

Tears that you’ll never know I cry. Why does everything go wrong all together?

***

Why does everything go wrong at the same time?

2006-05-10T06:37:00.000-06:00

Talking to Belle is lovely! The more I think about stuff, the more confused I get, yet in that confusion, I experience clarity that I have never before felt. It's strange actually to realize so many things about myself in such a short amount of time. Well I should be mugging for Biology. Bye.

Confessional:

Entwined fingers
We're puppets
To his game
Forgive us lord

A breath apart
Lips nearly touch
Dancing to his song
Forgive us lord

Reach for my hand
Heart, skip a beat
Morals lie in shambles
Forgive us lord.

Confessional from hell
We return to normalcy
A moment, a choice to rebel
Sealed in a kiss goodbye.

A sigh escapes parted lips
Heavy breaths
Control takes a back seat
Forgive us lord

Not a word shall pass
They bear no meaning
His dark tendrils enrapture
Forgive us lord

Limbs entangled
Sheen of sweat
Moving under his command
Forgive us lord.

Confessional from hell
We return to normalcy
A moment, a choice to rebel
Sealed in a kiss goodbye.

***

Do you believe in magic?

2006-05-05T02:20:00.000-06:00

School

Sometimes it just gets too much. Gosh one after another. We hand in our chemistry report and then immediately start studying for math / chemistry / biology tests for the next week, at the same time preparing for an English essay this week. Aren't our lives simply admirable? Oh yeah and let's not forget the joy of research studies for which thankfully we have an extension till week nine. Currently at eighty pages we've yet to start on our appendix. And after week nine you'd think we'd deserve a break wouldn't you? Well sad to say, that isn’t the case, physics Pts beckons as well as prep for a social studies essay.

I wonder, do they believe that just because we got into the top 3% of the nation, we are capable of so much? I guess in the end we will pull through, after many sleepless nights, nervous breakdowns and working on pure adrenaline. Whatever. Why are we doing A level syllabus, just because we don't do O levels? Maybe it'll make Junior College easier. I guess. Well every cloud has a silver lining; I just haven't found mine yet.

Well the English essay had me scribbling to the last second. I guess it wasn't as bad; the question was predictable as ever. When I'm reduced to discussing school on my blog, you should be able to tell that I'm really stressed. I guess I should start on math. Oh trig you elude me so. Sigh. Tuition tomorrow. I think that sometimes, school life gets in the way of everything else and that makes us such boring people. I refuse to be one of those boring girls who have no social lives and simply study their youth away. So tomorrow after tuition, I'm going to go out.

Yeah I know I have to study, but I can't study all weekend, that's just crazy talk. So I'll study with that to look forward to (:

Well trig practise is awaiting me.

***

Just a question: How much more?

2006-05-04T09:12:00.000-06:00

Lust

My skin screams for your touch. A flame, ignited every time our eyes meet across the room. A blush, a crush. Blood red cheeks, coy eyes flutter, staring intently at the ground, flicking up, only to meet yours. A whispered hello, in a breathy voice; whisked away by the wind.

Dream in a reality
Knowledge's abound
Searching within
Forever unfound

Lips touch, gently and then a fight for domination. Hands, lips, a sigh escaped from parted lips. Unseeing. Unfeeling. Eternity in a moment; a moment in eternity. For a moment, everything ceases to exist, that one moment in your arms. Arms hold me tight, warmth never known, let's escape from reality, yes you and I.

To want and never have
Pretend it’s not for real
Numb from the inside
To never ever feel

Escape from all these frowns, from disapproving eyes, from us. Run. Run. Run. Take my hand, be my strength. An eternity in a kiss, such bliss unknown, until this very moment. As tongues tango, pull me closer, float away into oblivion with me. Wrapped in ignorance as we hold each other - the world just wouldn't understand.

The warmth creeps in
Push away the cold
Nothing to be said
Its you I want to hold

Not a word exchanged, as passion's flames lick at our feet, consuming us slowly as the minutes tick by. An unspoken agreement, no words - no lies. And then we part. The world would never understand.

***

When it hurts to think

2006-05-03T07:46:00.000-06:00

I'm gonna have nightmares.

http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/bl_breast_larvae.htm

EWWW. Cheyenne. WHY did you send me this? Right before i was going to go to sleep at that. Wonderful, i anticipate dreams full of cherries and cotton candies. Whatever. I am so damn grossed out. YUCK. Gross. Eww.
Words can't express this.
I'm off to bed

2006-05-01T09:36:00.000-06:00

Oh gosh I'm turning into a metal head. Tharen's been sending me all these super nice songs. To think I used to hate them last time. I suggest you go have a listen before you diss them off.

I'm crazy in love with Mario feat Pantera – Let me love you.

You just feel like getting up on the table and dancing. Oh whatever. I’m in a strange mood today.
Well at least it's nice to know someone out there loves me, namely angel to quote her:

I ache for you. I crave for you- you are just like the water a man who has been
at a desert for 40days and 40nights without food nor water craves for. You are
that lifelong essential, the most important neccesity that I need to carry on
living.

Hahah its nice to know I'm wanted. (:

Yeah well it's late and I'm off to dreamland.

2006-05-01T01:19:00.000-06:00

You make me go all moony eyed. Daydreams till late at night, butterflies in my tummy and silly smiles every time I think of you. Gods I’ve got it bad.

2006-04-28T19:11:00.000-06:00

Two words: AWE-SOME

2006-04-25T05:17:00.000-06:00

I hate being sick. I can feel the breath rattling in my lungs, its effing scary i tell you. Sounds like death, if death had a sound even. Well whatever. I'm sleepy, but i don't think i should sleep, cause i'll miss charmed. Which would be bad. Haha. Well imma gonna go do random surveys. They're fun i tell you (:

2006-04-25T05:00:00.000-06:00

Ramblings

RS is finally off our backs; well not that it changes much seeing that we have

Week 6
Literature summative
Chemistry Pt report due

Week 7
English summative essay
English Pt

Week 8
Chemistry summative
Math summative
Biology summative

Week 9
A break? I think not, most probably my amnesiac mind playing tricks on me.

Week 10
Social Studies summative
Physics Pt due.

Sure, no stress, seeing that we're pretty used to it. Note the sarcasm people.

Well enough on that, let's rejoice, in the end of RS. Hurray people, we pulled through, and this time without those all-nighters and without a major blowup later. Awesome work. Now to thank my ickle darlings who had to work around my mood-swings, my worked up frenzies when the stress hits me, my slackness when I'm in a 'whatever' mood – Sanki and Leech, you guys kick ass.

I'd have killed myself if I had to work with me.

Well let's not go off on that spiel for once, today was good fun. Idle chitchat with Geri and Belle after school and non-stop laughter at Blow pens (don’t ask). Belle and I regressed to our childhood days, stupid paintings. I'll scan them in if I remember to bring them back tomorrow. They're a major laugh.

We ran out of brown, resulting in a moment of inspiration, which in turn resulted in a lurid pink dog, well what creative geniuses we are when left to our own devices. I like my beach picture; well I would, wouldn't I?

Anyways I could go on in this random way all day, but it's a pleasure I can't afford. Chemistry individual report beckons.

Don't miss me..too much

***

Just a question: Do these questions keep you up all night as well?

2006-04-24T07:20:00.000-06:00

Smile

And she looked so sad in photographs

Have i really forgotten to smile? To laugh with abandon as I used to?

I absolutely love her

Maybe its time to forget. To let those tears run freely for the last time and...

When she smiles

yes, smile.

2006-04-22T21:12:00.000-06:00

Remember

And then I remember. Take flight my love, let me grow, let me glow, un-shrouded by your shadow. The shadow beneath my eyes, those sleepless nights – replaying memories of what we had, wry smiles remembering you, all these have to go.

Heartache.

Call me silly to hang onto these anecdotes; but they're all I have left.
I thought it would all be fine, and then I remembered.

You'll never know the beauty I know.

***

Just a question: Is this love?

2006-04-21T05:18:00.000-06:00

RANT I

Well much reflection has made me come to a decision, no more whining about having no life and a terrible curfew. I know what’s best for me, yet I want a social life to keep me from being too caught up in the insanity that is my school. A balance, yes it is a simple answer. Yet convincing my parents to accept this balance, the fact that I am not going to devote every day to family time and schoolwork is the worst bit. Harsh as I was when telling my mum, when it comes down to it, its true: It is MY life. So living for anyone else would have no worth.

family is just an option

So the day I lose my parents approaches. I can't take being cooped up in this hellhole for much longer. The day I walk out, and just have fun, a desire I've repressed for so long isn't far. I’m just anticipating the day I snap. Courage stay with me, sure it would show my lack of strength of character going against my parents, my inherent selfishness and whatnot.

a limiting little contraption

I really couldn’t give a damn. Isn’t it selfishness on their part, dis-allowing me from indulging in fun, simply because of the fear of gossip? Being the black sheep of the family, it's a tough job. But I refuse to completely give up my social life. It's not even an option. Why does education and academics entail not having a social life? Sometimes I feel like they wished I were ugly and fat, so they wouldn’t have to deal with 'boys' in my life. Hah. They know half of it. Well technically less than that. Gods.

alone i stand the best

I guess walking out is the only option. Next weekend if I don't get to go out...well i still will. Whatever.

alone, above the rest

***

Just a question: Is it harder being the black sheep, or the saving grace of a family?

2006-04-19T03:46:00.000-06:00

I'm bored. I should be doing chem.
ROAR.

2006-04-16T08:00:00.000-06:00

Ponder

Sometimes when fate keeps putting up crossroads, its just best to give up and move on. Now I tell myself this, and I hear myself saying this – but do I listen? Hell no, I go on, impulsive as usual and make new mistakes in the same situation. Lies, lies and more lies.

Regret. No.

Expectations, expectations. I wish you knew. If you thought I was abstract before, check out today’s post. Sleep. I had tons today, though I crave more. Drag on my eyelids, drag them shut. Sleep shut my lips, shan't say those words.

Sleep, wrap your tempestuous tendrils, engulf me in the black unconscious, so I needn't think anymore, needn't see anything I don't wish to and needn't ponder that very question repeatedly.

I've picked the phone up, only to set it down every single time. I wish the best for you, tears last night in a drunken stupor held truth. A phone call to break a heart; heartache, heartbreak, heart stay strong. I wish for strength now, upon that star, the star that started it all.

Going through the motions of living, sweet death at my lips, yet take a sip I shan't. Pull through this as I have every other ordeal. First time on this end of the spectrum, harder than ever to comprehend, yet it helps to understand past mistakes of others; the tempting call of the forbidden.

Eve tempted, and now so am I. Is the lack of self-control inherent to women? Now as I leave you to ponder this, I shall go watch the apprentice.

Cya loses.

***

Just a question: Should i just trust fate?

2006-04-16T04:13:00.000-06:00

Rock and Roll

sex, lies and video-tapes (:

In true rock fashion:

- Cutting queue to the goodie-bags (maybe that's just kiasu-ism)
- Walking around aimlessly to get to town
- Hitching rides on the back of a lorry
- Sneaking someone into the concert
- Bumming drinks off people
- Screaming our lungs out
- Lies, lies and more lies
- Smeared makeup
- Hot boys
- Sweat

So much more, you just had to be there.

***

Just a question: how much longer?

2006-04-14T20:31:00.000-06:00

HIGH

My emo-ness in question has just disappeared for the day and I am left with a complete and utter high, resisting the urge to jump and scream. Today. Finally its here, an escape of the mundane-ness of my life, a jump to the past and by gods, I can't wait.

I'm freaking out about what's ahead

The boredom that settled on me has dissolved into nothing. The fact that I was resigned to the fact that I am pre-destined to nothing more than pts, tests and studying doesn't apply, just for today, I feel alive again. The lack of sleep from pulling an all-nighter is not even there and though I know I'll be out all night today I can't wait.

Open up your sleepy eyes come alive

I don't care, I couldn't care all about the overdose in pts and the fact that I have six tests coming up, just for today, freedom encapsulates me in a bubble not allowing anything else to become priority.

Your routine overdose. It doesn't mean a thing to me

Of course it isn't just the band I am freaking about, but the entire night, it's like a picture from the past, the first time Kav, Nat, Grace and I hung out. Whoa. But the band makes it all that much better.

I'm a fan
Freak me out turn me inside out

I feel disoriented. Why do I lie so easily? Ohmygosh I can’t wait. Seriously I shall go take a shower at like 10.30. Which is now.

***

Just a question: What do I wear?

2006-04-10T04:34:00.000-06:00

Contrived self assurance

With you it's like pleasure in pain, wanting but never receiving, loving for heartbreak. With you its tears over laughter, emotion woven in words and a long, long distance. All this I have to force myself to remember, just so I won’t make the same mistake again. I need to remember.

Baby just say goodnight

I need to remember a time, when things like this didn't matter, when I didn't ache for your touch, for the taste of your lips, for your whispered sweet nothings. Release. I've loved others, yet you remain, at the back of my mind.

I'll be gone tomorrow

First love is hard to explain away. Especially now that you're back in my life, its strange how we drift in and out of each other's life. Maybe in another time, if you were in this country, if we both weren't so busy, it would work out, but right now we're better off friends.

Baby just close your eyes

I've loved you without realizing it, yet whenever you call, I know its you, instinctively, and it's great that we have so much to talk about even though it's been two years. Gosh has it been that long? I feel so old suddenly.

I can't take the sorrow

Love's a complex idea I don't understand myself, so I shan't try and explain these feelings, but you know how I feel, and it's great you feel this way too. Life's hard enough without a long distance relationship.

Baby just walk away

The idea of you with another girl kills me, I would want to rip her into shreds and claw her eyes out, just like you said you'd like to punch the living daylights out of any guy who even looked at me but sometimes things just aren't meant to be. Not right now. I wonder who I'm trying to convince, myself or you?

You know I can't stay

When you asked me today. It killed me to say no. Something in me died, but I guess it was a right choice. Maybe I'm still on rebound, its best not to risk anything, and we have our entire lives ahead of us, so why rush and ruin something beautiful?

There's no easy way to say goodbye.

So we ended that conversation, the way the song ended. The irony that it was playing in the background wasn't lost on me. Maybe it's a sign, to cut you loose, but that I wonder if I can do. You know what they say about first love, it stays with you forever. Its not really upsetting, rather it's with a tinge of remorse that I have to admit to myself that it would never work out between us, no matter how much I wish it would.

So Baby just say goodnight

And i wonder, if goodnight would be the last words i ever say to you. Plus, The Click Five isn't all fluff.

***

Just a question: Were we ever?

2006-04-07T06:58:00.000-06:00

First non-emo post

Home, love, family
There once a time
I must have had them too

What do you do, when you become a stranger to your family? I'm lost, home no longer is home, and I don't belong. Tired of searching for lost identity. There is only so much searching one can do before it wears them out, and I've reached that point. I no longer know what I want in life, I no longer know what the future holds, I no longer know what makes me happy.

I've found a bit of myself in someone else, a gentle reminder of the past; a repeat of a memory from so long ago. Inseparable. It’s been so long, yet it seemed like just yesterday. Some bonds just are unbreakable, especially ones that last for eight years.

Well anyways aside from the emotional ramblings, I have great news. Cat gave me great news today. Seven tickets to the Hollaback thingy, I get to chill with my gorgeous sweethearts and catch The Click Five live. This has definitely made my day. Oh gosh I hope my parents let me go.

I'm hyperventilating! Lily's online let me go tell her the great news. Then I'll call grace and squeal with her. Goshgoshgosh! It's so whoa! I hope, pray, wish my mother says yes. It would be awesome. The click five. Oh my gosh. Okay. Breathe.

I'm not feeling extremely coherent don’t mind me while I bounce off the walls in jubilation. I want to scream, its bubbling at the pit of my stomach, and rising to the top popping. I've never felt this happy in a long time. Excitement mingled with pure crazy bimbotic cheeriness. I think my huge smile is scaring my brother.

All I want to do is scream.

Scream. SCREAM. scream. ScReAm.

Well since eloquence clearly isn't going to be part of this entry, you may as well stop reading now. It's like a daydream, but its real. Screamscreamscream. Don't attempt to understand this, you won't. Trust me.

The Click Five. THE click five. As in the: like the real band.

Oh my god. OH MY GOD.

I just love their songs, they're so fluff, they allow for escape into a dream, my very own fairy tale starring me and …yeah right like I'm really going to tell you. Well I'm off to go squeal more. Leave you guys in peace from my highness. Even though I am your highness. Yes I know being unexplainably extremely high makes the lameness kick in.

All right I’m off.

***

Just a question: How is that even possible?

2006-04-06T09:08:00.000-06:00

Words

Pretence is easy. I will keep a straight face. I will not let go, let this lump rise up my throat, and let the tears spill. My eyes are burning, the tears are so close, and I wish I could let you see that I don’t have a hardened heart. I wish you would just leave me alone; we’ve gone over this before, a billion times. Leave me be, your words don’t matter, I don’t care.

I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care.

Tears are brimming, hurry, to stare at the screen and blink them away, you won’t see them, I’ll never cry before you. Do you purposely say things that cause my heart to break? Do you want me to cry? I won’t I won’t. Keep my tears at bay, if you want those children, please leave me, I’m not the daughter you wish for, sadly I’m the one you’ve got. The lump is rising, painful to swallow, yet I will block those words as I have learnt to, not let them near my heart, and stare ahead, unthinking, unfeeling.

Go on try your best, make me cry, make me feel, its not that I don’t feel, I don’t want you to see me feel, for what I feel you will never comprehend. How much I care, how much I love; yet I hate. Hate burns, mingled with swallowed tears, yet I love. It’s a vicious cycle. Your words continue to wash over me.

I don’t care I won’t care.

***

Just a question: Can you regret the best thing in your life?

2006-04-06T07:17:00.000-06:00

Musings

I’ve always harbored a strange obsession over the rain, the sound of the raindrops pummeling against my window, the smell of damp earth all these assault my senses, pushing me to reflection, just as it always does.

The beauty of the world is better appreciated through the soft focus lens that rain provides, looking through the world through that sheet of rainwater distorts things, making things out of focus, no longer sharp. Light merges, and the water creates fuzzy outlines around streetlamps. Even mundane things sparkle with a touch of magic from the drops settled upon them.

I stared out of my window for the longest time, mesmerized by the trickles of water trailing down the glass, tracing the patterns they made with my fingers and simply reveling in the beauty of life. I can’t deny, I contemplated jumping, as I stared down at the ground from above.

Stupid as it may sound, death is a temptation. Life is beautiful, but how great it would feel, to fall, together with my beautiful raindrops, fall to death and never have a care again? To fall freely, let life flash past my eyes, let the wind rush past, just fall. And finally hit the ground, and life would flit away, leaving an empty shell.

Everything we work for, our entire lives, how we slave and toil day in and day out, everything fades away, into nothing. And we go into oblivion, oh sweet bliss. How wonderful it would be to feel nothing at all, never have a worry, or a joy. No feelings. How would it feel to feel nothing at all? Would we just disappear? Cease to exist?

My morbid affiliation to death scares me at times. Death intrigues me. There is a definite pull towards the unknown. I guess I should stop now before anyone thinks I’m suicidal. I’ll keep my musings to myself then.

***

Just a question: If i fell, would you catch me?

2006-04-05T05:29:00.000-06:00

Rain

We played in the rain again, its been ages since I’ve done that, indulge on a childish impulse, something only you could convince me to; to go tearing around in a downpour, reliving our childhood. We ran, barefooted, through the freshly cutgrass, our feet sinking into the warm mud, finally collapsing, next to each other, breathing heavily, completely drenched, yet then, nothing could wipe those smiles off our faces. Yet those times are long gone. The rain, gentle drops on heated skin as we lay in the grass beside each other panting, the drain drops falling on our closed eyelids, our hair in tangles. Teenagers living another day in their childhood, lying in the fields of time.

And as we lay there, under the rain clouds, the sky dark and overcast, your hand reached for mine. A simple gesture, his hand over hers. Her eyes fluttered open and she glanced at him, his face was calm, his eyes still closed. She glanced skywards before she shut her eyes. Both engulfed in their own thoughts, letting the cold rain seep through their clothes and a gentle smile graced her face. Never had she felt happier, her hand in his, lying in the grass with the rain beating down on her face.

***

Just a question: Why am i such a hopeless romantic?

2006-04-05T03:40:00.000-06:00

Crossroads

Life throws us many changes at the most inopportune moments, slamming doors in our faces and just when we are willing to throw in the towel, inching open a window so the light of hope is let in, so maybe just maybe we won’t give up and persist. At what exactly I’m not too sure, but persist I shall until I find out exactly what I am persisting.

Heart don't fail me now

Its times like these when you realize what you really value in life. I can’t believe I nearly let these beautiful friendships slip away. I’ve been drifting, through everything. There’s nothing left to ground me; nothing left to define me. These plastic smiles and hollow laughter sicken me really, but pretence gets easier I guess. But now that I’ve made this decision, I hope I don’t lose heart.

Courage don't desert me

Feelings are in turmoil, I want to let go of this life, yet the pull remains. It will always be there I guess, as long as I wish for it, it will keep beckoning, against my better senses. Truth be told, I wonder what the point of life is sometimes. But now that I’ve made this decision, I hope I have the courage to pull through.

Don't turn back

It’s a decision for the best. Lies must be told just as tears must be shed, it’s all for the best, freedom comes with a price, and one I am unwilling to pay. All I know is there is penance; yet I don’t want to risk the wait. Things like these fade quickly, opportunities as such are like fading light, so easily they slip away. I guess if its meant to be, time should tell, but the wait is such torture.

Now that we're here

I’ve worked so hard just to get back to square one; the irony is such, at least I had fun. Gosh its all these rhymes without reason. There is no reason for the way I feel; I truly don’t understand my state. Everyone seems to be there, to give words of comfort, to hear me out, yet that doesn’t give me any solace. Sure they may listen, they may attempt to understand, but can they really? Do they understand what I’m going through, its not just quitting one thing it’s dropping an entire lifestyle.

People always say

I guess the best would be to suck it up and pretend everything is fine, so they don’t impose their thoughts on me anymore. Counseling isn’t any help, when there isn’t anything wrong, I doubt my reasoning or logic is one they would comprehend, they speak as though I do not regret, maybe it is because that is so, but that is besides the point. Are my words for you to analyze? People always say, exactly so, they say without putting themselves into another’s position. Speaking with a preconceived notion has upset so many, and will continue to do so. Ethnocentrism. So much for applying what we learn in school to daily life.

Life is full of choices

A wrong choice, leading to so many others, regret naturally follows of course. On the other hand if asked if I could do it again, I wouldn’t change a thing. Those days were some of the best in my life, yet some of the worst at the same time. To live, to love, to breathe freely. Experiences that cannot be recounted, engraved memories and a chance to live; for real. Myriad emotions take control as the heart and mind battle for control. Another choice, to follow the heart, fulfill the want or to let the mind take control, letting logic and sense prevail, in the promise of a future, a future that isn’t even promised to us.

No one ever mentions

It’s easier to gloss over the worst parts of life, easier to pretend they don’t exist. Let our hollow laughter echo in the air. Let our glassy eyes shine, the twinkle long diminished. Let us speak words with no meaning. Let us pretend, pretend in the hopes that one day all this will not be pretence. Pretend. Pretend. Pretend. It seems that’s all we do around here. No on knows why, yet we all do, following an unwritten code of conduct of sorts.

Fear

What is it we fear? What gripes our hearts, preventing us from revealing a soul so pure? Society forces us to hide, behind a hardened mask, sensitivity equated to weakness. To let go and love, love like we have never loved before and live, live like there is no tomorrow. We wander through lives, fear in our eyes, society makes us so, forcing us into a mould, and we hide ourselves, beneath layers of personality. Yet it could be something beautiful, but the world never sees it.

***

Just a question: Is that fear i see in your eyes?

2006-04-04T04:08:00.000-06:00

Star

Star light, Star bright

A star, such beauty in a ball of plasma, which is what we would call it if we were to descend into scientific terms, but whatever. Sometimes I feel like life needs a touch of magic, anything that would take the sheer monotony of it away. It would help the pain; allow it to ebb away slowly. But magic is something I can only wish for, wish on a star for a miracle; wish upon a star for my very own star. For isn’t a star a miracle in its own way. Beauty, blazing in distance.

First star I see tonight

A star to hold deep within, so it may ignite the flame in my heart. It blazed strong and high sometime ago, yet now it simmers, all it would take would be a gust of wind to put it out and all that would be left, darkness. Engulfed from within by the dark velvet nothingness of life. Hopefully that start would ignite that flame, and return the twinkle to my eyes. Let its light consume me, and pour out of me, through my eyes. Let my fingertips glow from the light within, let the light repel these waves of nothingness that surround me.

Wish I may; wish I might

God I sound depressed, but thinking of stars as miracles is soothing, it makes magic believable and let you live on, in the hope that one day this magic might come into your life as well and you too will feel blessed with a miracle. The time isn’t far off.

Have the wish I wish tonight

Believe in penance I shall and wait for a happier time. Upon a star I wish; for a better life.

***

Just a question: Will you be my star?

2006-04-04T03:16:00.000-06:00

Soliloquy of a

Rebel

These few days have given me time for reflection. And first I'd like to bid adieu to my darling blog which has stayed with me for the past year and a half. Mind you I have reasons for deleting that blog, which I rather not disclose here. Seeing that if I did, I would have to delete this as well. Mums the word. I miss that blog though. Oh whatever.

Anyways, on the reflection agenda:

I've done too many things I regret. I barely know what I want in life anymore. I see the destination but I have no idea which path to take. I've learnt sometimes it’s easier just to shut up and apologize.

It's not that I enjoy being a rebel, it's not my fault I do not agree to your way of life. The monotone affects me in more ways than one. It pulls me down, making the colors meld into a bland gray, when can I admit to you, everything that I’ve done. I don’t want to hurt you, I rather give you a mellowed down version.

The day I can tell you of how I've loved and lost, of crazy times with my friends, of my real life, that day is far. I don’t want to hurt you, so I lie. You won't be able to accept that this person is your daughter. I have tried to be who you want me to, but I can't. I work hard, and all I get is mediocrity, so why even bother?

I want to argue my point, stand my ground and be brave like some of my friends, who I admire so much for being able to live the life they want with the sole reasoning that its their choice; its their life. I want so much to be like you, yet I want to be like others too, those who throw themselves into their work relinquishing all their play time just striving towards a bright future that is all but promised to them.

I'm caught in the middle really; Neither here nor there. Lost in all senses. I don't see how I could be so utterly hopeless at everything I do. Maybe everything about me really is wrong. I want to have a fun life. Temptation is a fair weather friend indeed.

Dark tendrils of temptation
The enticing glimmer of sin
The glint in every eye
As temptation is held within

It's so hard sometimes, when things get so tough. When you just want to give up. It's so easy to just break. Succumb, go back to the life that’s so easy, that's so fun. But then again I know what I want. I guess everything is good in small quantities. I shouldn't over indulge.

They hover in the shadows
They’re but distant sound
Beckoning and calling
Waiting to be found

I now know how it feels to want. To want so bad that it chokes, the want pushing against my being. Against the walls of my eyes, my skin, my fingertips. You're my addiction. Why is it so easy to fall? Down to unknown depths, the blackness surrounding you, seeping through your pores and crushing you. And yet, it takes forever to pick yourself up and climb out of that hole. Life is strange indeed.

I wish you would listen. You say you are, but all you do is hear me. Do you listen? Take the time to understand where I am coming from and then decide? Why is it so easy to take someone else's side? Why is it so hard to believe me? I wish I were more eloquent, I wish I didn't have to put you through all this pain, but karma is such that you've got me as a daughter.

I'm terrible really, so today as I sit here dreading what is to come, I'll make myself a promise. I'll just shut up and apologize. I've learnt not to argue anymore. It's easier to just agree. Insolent as it may seem, I know what I did was wrong, but the punishment meted is simply pushing me further away from you. Do you seriously believe that keeping me locked up in a house, without any social interaction other than schoolmates is going to help the situation?

Well these words I speak you'll never hear so why speak them anyway?

Soliloquy of silence
Pauses with no end
Meandering the crevices
Of my vacant mind

***

Just a question: Does what I say even matter?